Friday, November 5, 2010

I am trying to remember

I am trying to remember
what life was like before CFS.
how it was to
do things
watch things
climb things
without worry or concern.

I'm trying to remember what it was like
never to have to construct a plan B and an emergency kit
for every outing
to say "Yes, I'd love to!" to any invitation
to dance to pounding loud music
or float across the floor in a ballgown
to hike up mountains
and feel the strain and glorious pain in my legs
rewarded by magical, far reaching views
to swim in the cool of the ocean
and feel the water wash through me.

to be in crowds of people and hear the hush
before something wonderful is about to happen
to be in a swarm of people and language that is different
dizzy from the richness of a life and enthusiasm
painted by a different palette of colors.

I think it's freedom that I remember.

And what will I remember from now?
I hope to remember the freedom to live by my own clock,
exempt from the frenzy of silicon valley speed.
I hope to remember a life brimming
of art, animals and love.
A connecting of people with hearts
passionate about a common goal
the healing of me,
the healing of all of us.
Of squeezing the life out of each day
even if it's watching the sky stroll by my bedroom window
A living of paying close attention to myself, to others
and making decisions mindfully and in my own time.
That however hard they spin you, tornadoes pass
and love will find you wherever you may be tucked away.

I hope I will  remember. 


  1. Thank YOU! Thank YOU! Thank YOU!
    For your wonderful spirit. for all that YOU are. And for reminding me to be a better self.
    I love you so much.

  2. Dear Amberlin,

    You have expressed your own life experience in such an uplifting fashion, whether it was before the cfs or is after the cfs. I admire your strength and your positive attitude. You are setting an outstanding example for all of us.

    I love you, Dad